Watching and waiting

I didn't expect to see my name in the newspaper this morning, but it's pleasing that everything is set to get properly started on funding raising as well as sourcing equipment and teachers. The ladies on the Education Board have already been very generous with obtaining the premises, and I can already tell the school will be lovely, a perfect environment for children now and in the future.

However, considering the paperwork I can see I will be virtually swamped over the next couple of months. I wonder if one of my fellow brides (or grooms if you have the interest), who are not already busy with employment or charity work are able to assist me? (There Roger, I am asking for help, please do not fall over in shock!). On that note, I'm glad I managed to get the garden sorted out before I got too busy to attend to it so rigourously. The new bird bath is a success, especially with the sparrows.

Mr Zabini, I would like to speak to you privately when you are free if you please.

I'm not sure if I am relieved or dismayed that the Death Eaters do not view Lavender's pregnancy as a cause for celebration - I am assuming they will react to the confirmation as well as they did when Goyle just thought Lavender had a tummy bug. I suppose in the end their thoughts are not relevant, only You-Know-Who's are, and if he is pleased about the pregnancy then the pressure will really start for those who are already married and those who are about to be. Which is why I'm furious with Lavender. Blaise might not want to touch me, but if he is being pressured then... well, I wouldn't guarantee he'll resist. What about those like Rose, who is in danger of being shackled to a madman? (because no one can deny he IS) Or Mandy with Crabbe, who would undoubtably push if he had to! Then there's Parvati, although at least Eddie is... reasonable. Or so it seems. I don't know, I just don't know. I wish I could run away, go to Michael, hide with him in his flat and never come out...

I wish I had a bloody wand and didn't have to pour ink over my journal when I forget where I'm writing.

I thought I had something interesting to write, but I didn't.

Huh. We're now halfway through the year.

The ball on Saturday night was beautiful. Mrs Malfoy certainly outdid herself and it was most enjoyable to mingle, dance and yet know it was a good cause as well. Roger, I'm sure you're also very pleased how well everything went.

And that's about as much as I can stand to say about that

However, the most monumental moment for me this weekend was the surprise return of Mr Zabini on Friday evening when he came and collected me from where I was. Clearly he was aiming to surprise me or just didn't give a damn and I was certainly disappointed surprised.

I apologise to my friends for any concern I caused them. My head injury caused me some confusion, but I am fully recovered now and back with Parvati and Eddie.

What happened?

My head hurts...

Well, if Mr Davies is going to flex his memory muscles with a little verse, I have to take up the challenge and top him with some verses from an old favourite!

( poem - cut for length )

Lewis Carroll was a comic and literary genius. I dedicate this to you, Luka. I wish I could say happy birthday, but for now, best wishes for a better birthday next year will have to suffice.

Commiserations Congratulations, Hannah, please let me know if I can help in any way.

Lavender's wedding went off without a hitch and I'm very glad that she was happy with the result. This was only the second time I've been a member of a bridal party, however, the first time I was twelve and that was a Hindu wedding, so was quite a different experience. Have to admit I do prefer the colour of the Hindu weddings, even though this one was lovely. Although I'm rather turned off the idea of getting married now, after three weddings in as many months.

Anyway, it's nice to have a little spare time after a hectic month. I'll be doing some more work on the garden at Mr Zabini's house - it is coming along very nicely and the flowers are simply gorgeous. Perhaps I'll throw a summer garden party later in June... if when he returns of course.

So, if we object or complain about our arranged marriages we are reprimanded, but if we revel in them then we are also reprimanded?

Interesting.

Perhaps a rule book about what can and can't be written needs to be created, just to ensure we don't misstep and offend anyone.

Maybe I'm missing something but isn't hanging a bit... muggle?

There is nothing more frustrating that being treated like a child or some suspicious character who cannot be trusted alone. It's not that I consider Zabini's place to be 'home', that will never happen, nor am I extremely upset to be with Parvati, but I resent being passed around like a parcel!

Whoops, I should be more chareful about where my elbow is.

May is proving to be a busy month and it's not even halfway through. As well as getting involved with the Education Board as Mrs Oppenheimer's personal assistant and also helping Mrs Marchant with aspects of Orphen's Affairs, and continuing to assist Miss Greengrass, I was honoured to be asked by Lavender to be her bridesmaid. Naturally I intend to ensure that everything goes smoothly with the wedding.

For those of you who may wish to visit me, please be advised I am no longer residing in Mr Zabini's home. While he is away, I am staying with my sister in Mr Carmichael's home, although this week we are with Lavender, which does make the wedding planning much easier - possibly at the expense of sleep!

Mr Zabini is still away and the house feels much the same as it ever did when he was around emptier than usual, despite the presence of the house elves. They're not really the greatest of conversationalists and therefore my evenings have been very quiet. However, this gives plenty of time for me to read and organise my thoughts, as well as solve more puzzles, so I can't really complain. Besides, once I start getting more involved with the Society for the Betterment of the British Wizarding Commonwealth then I'm sure my evenings will be quite busy with plans and preparation.

I'm not going to talk about weddings, because more and more I feel like I'm part of some farce. Michael, I miss...

I hope there isn't any more blood in the journals for a while, it's really quite upsetting to see.

The garden is coming along well and I'm hopeful there will be some lovely blooms soon. Once the weather gets warmer, I'll get the elves to set up a table and chairs so I can have breakfast, and lunch, amongst the flowers.

I'd like to curl up and cry right now.

Nearly a week helping Daphne at her office and finally it is shaping up to a more efficient place to work. Really, the staff were getting awfully sloppy with meeting deadlines and their report writing was diabolical. It's good to be busy again and out of the house although I could do this work in my sleep...

I still had time to make several batches of hot cross buns when I got home and I'm pleased to say they turned out very well.

Usually I'm an early riser, getting up with the dawn, but today I actually slept in until almost midday. So I've been wrestling with an oddly guilty feeling, as if I did something wrong by sleeping late, although logically I know I needed the sleep after staying up hours past midnight. Not to mention all the standing and dancing I did at the reception! Emotions are funny things.

Anyway, despite being a lazy day, it was a good one. I read, painted, and had a look at the garden. There are some plots that could use some developing and now is a good time to plant new bulbs. The roses need a little pruning as well.

Merlin, I feel as if a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Let's hope the good lasts longer than any bad.

Apparently the modern 'stag night' originated in 5th century Sparta with a dinner where warriors would toast each other on the eve of a comrade's wedding. Things haven't really changed much. In comparison, bridal showers are relatively new and only gained popularity in the mid-nineteenth century. According to legand, the first bridal shower was held in Holland. The bride-to-be was rather well off, while her fiancé, a local miller, was not. Her father forbade the wedding and cut off her dowry. The couple married anyway and endured tough times financially. To help them out, many of the townspeople had a party for them and bestowed upon them many useful household items. Ironic that the custom originated with a couple disobeying their elders

Aside from discovering that bit of trivia, I've been busying myself with a schedule of activities to keep me occupied while Mr Zabini is away. During my outing last week, I purchased several books, including several histories, which I'm looking forward to reading. Although the influence of the new regime is showing in the lack of availability of anything that might challenge it. Will we have book burnings next? I also picked up some lovely material and embroidery thread for summer scarfs and wraps, new blank canvases and paints... I certainly won't have an excuse for being bored. If I was the type to enjoy doing 'hobbies' all day

But first, a few owls and some tea.

I see I have missed a few things over the past week, Lisa, are you all right? I wish... not the least being the retreat. Mrs Malfoy, I apologise for being unable to respond to your invitation and accompany the other ladies in Switzerland. Parvati, it would have been good to see you at the retreat, but we'll catch up when you return.

Blaise has kindly granted permission for me to go out to collect some more personal things after he wrecked half of them, which I'm looking forward to, especially now the weather is improving. Spring has always been one of my favourite seasons.

Hands really are the most difficult to draw, I swear I've attempted to sketch my father's hands at least forty-two times and they're still not right. It doesn't help that I'm working from memory and I can't use my own for a reference since... well, they're women's hands!

However, despite this frustration it's liberating to be picking up a pencil and applying it to a clean sheet of paper. My imagination and memory can wander unbound.

Parvati, when you come over, how about we do mehndi? I managed to get some fresh henna and it's such a nice way to do something while chatting.

Blood isn't what I like to see in my journal when I open it. Dear God, I hope Neville isn't too badly...

Parvati, I'm sorry, but I won't be able to come and see you anytime soon.

I hate him, really hate him. More than I expected. I was hoping maybe we could be civil at the very least, that perhaps he would be more like Theodore than Pucey or Bole, but he's a conceited, arrogant, sexist piece of crap. The things he was saying...! Merlin help me, but this attitude that a woman is just property to be used at will is archaic and disgusting! Perhaps I should quote Manusmriti:
"Those who seek great prosperity and happiness should never inflict pain on women. Where women are honored, in that family great men are born, but where they are not honored, all acts are fruitless. Where women pass their days in misery and sorrow because of the misdeeds of their husbands, that family soon entirely perishes, but where they are happy because of the good conduct of their husbands, the family continually prospers."

Not that the arrogant arse will understand or care!

I won't let him touch me... no matter what. This marriage (and if I have anything to do about it then it won't happen) will NEVER bear fruit!

All Is Well
~ by Henry Scott Holland ~

Death is nothing at all, I have only slipped into the next room
I am I and you are you
Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.
Call me by my old familiar name,
Speak to me in the easy way which you always use
Put no difference in your tone,
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household world that it always was,
Let it be spoken without effect, without the trace of shadow on it.
Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same as it ever was, there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near,
Just around the corner.
All is well.

Just over a year now... it's such a short time and yet so long.

I wish I'd gone into Healing like he wanted.

I'm going stir-crazy here. As yet, there is no permission to leave the house and yes, I have tried and my dear betrothed has not bothered to come and see me. Perhaps he is scared? I was recently told I scare men my age, but really, I don't bite... much.

Thank Merlin I found the kitchen the other day. The house elves were a little surprised, but once I assured them I just needed a little space to cook for a while they didn't bother me. It was fabulous to get into the cooking zone and just forget about life, although I managed to make three cakes and two sets of muffins in only a couple of hours. Would anyone like some? It would be a shame for them to go to waste.

Today I've been recalling all the riddles and paradoxes I used to play back at school, which also helps pass the time and keeps my mind active.

Here's a simple one:

How can you throw a ball as hard as you can and have it come back to you, even if it doesn't hit anything, there is nothing attached to it, and no one else catches or throws it?

and an English classic:

As I was going to Saint Ives,
I crossed the path of seven wives.
Every wife had seven sacks,
Every sack had seven cats,
Every cat had seven kits,
Kits, cats, sacks, wives,
How many were going to Saint Ives?